She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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