Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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