u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
