I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
