Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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