remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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