I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
