i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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