Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
