The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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