When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
