some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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