Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
