apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
