Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
