Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Randomize
