she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
