When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
