How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
