I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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