And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
