I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
