Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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