I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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