What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
