how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
