he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
