Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
