i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
