I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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