my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
