decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
