Heybabeimwearingurpanties
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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