So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
