theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
