I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
