John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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