my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
