wrigley field is MILF paradise
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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