can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
