Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
