Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
