You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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