I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
