My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
