I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
