Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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