she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
