I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
