there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
