Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
