the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
