someone threw a dead crab at me
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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