the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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