so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
